Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
