I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
