census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
