4 words: hood of his car
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
