Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
