We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I checked into jail on foursquare
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just sucked dick on a ferry
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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