Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
