You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
