i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
