im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
