The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Randomize
