i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
