Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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