totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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