I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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