WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
