he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
