Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
