I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
