When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
