This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
