I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
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