I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
