i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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