u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
