My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
