is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Randomize
