Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
no, he came in my armpit
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
