sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
