We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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