I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
