Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
