Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
