my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
