this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
