Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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