Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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