if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
