i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
