Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I looked at my own cervix.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
