Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
