This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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