you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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