This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Randomize
