she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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