went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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