My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
