3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
