Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize