I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
